I’ve been struggling a bit

I was doing quite well with my work on being happy now – then a memory popped up on my facebook feed from 2018 which sent me into a bit of a tail spin of sadness – I shared a little of how I was feeling on my facebook page.  

July 2018 Dalyan Turkey

“I can’t believe this time three years ago John and I were in beautiful Dalyan – dreaming and planning. When John took this photo of me – sitting in the tree house – with the mountains in the back ground – over looking pomegranate fields – we had no idea what was to come! When memories like this pop up – it is so hard to stay positive.”

After I posted this, I doubted whether I should have. After all I’m supposed to be focussing on being Happy Now. (The title of my podcast – which you can listen to here – https://anchor.fm/denise-collins4)

For most of the weekend, as well as feeling sad, I also felt a bit of a fraud and a bit of a failure. I even considered the validity of this blog and the pod cast. Should I even be doing this work, let alone putting it out there for scrutiny? 

It made me recall something a friend said about hiring a personal trainer to help her get fitter and lose some weight – “I don’t want someone who doesn’t know what it’s like to struggle.”

The sadness that enveloped me was a stark reminder that this happiness stuff can be so fragile. I guess it also proves the truth of it. Every one gets sad sometimes. Even though I am trying my best to work on improving my level of happiness, it’s not a sequential linear process. 

Happiness researchers  – yes there is such a job – say that about 50% of how happy you are is inherited. I can be quite pessimistic and prone to seeing the glass not only half empty – sometimes I don’t even see a glass – it’s more a tatty polystyrene cup with the rim all chewed.

Now whether that’s the result of my 50% inherited melancholy, or the impact of accumulated adverse experiences, or indeed something else – I don’t know.

What I do know is that I try to be authentic and real. So although it’s not as satisfying as when I share when I achieve my goal of being happy now – I will always also be honest about when I don’t quite hit the mark.

Because this happiness stuff does not always come easy and I do know what it’s like to struggle.

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